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Spam Is as Spam Does: A Vomit Email Rant

By Marty Weintraub | June 16, 2010

Spam Is as Spam Does: A Vomit Email Rant

Greetings, SEO Bullshit readers! So my pet peeve is receiving unsolicited emails, especially when our marketing brethren take it upon themselves to add my email address to a list of marketers. I hate it even more when there is no unsubscribe and the sender claims it’s somehow “personal” or that I’m not on a “list.” Eeesh, it makes me want to vomit on my shoes or kiss someone with terrible teeth.

I should know better than to engage those I perceive as spammers. Like trolls and rouge affiliate marketers, those I consider email spammers seem to display a peculiar sense of entitlement. Really. Who the hell are you to add my name to your little sales list?  Because I use GoogleApps, I don’t see much actual is-it-spam touch my inbox. SO, when I DO feel as if I’ve been spammed, I take a moment to make sure it does not happen again.  Here’s a thread from last month, which I was going to leave alone until the writer emailed me again a couple of days ago.

Maybe my skin is a tad thin. Maybe I should just press delete and forget about those who strike me as dweebs. Either way I hope you enjoy this little exchange, culminating in my protracted rant to the sender. BTW, the English language hacks and misspellings are straight from the writer’s pen. I’ve messed up the URLs so no outbound links are given from this publication.   :) -aimClear, Duluth, Minnesota-

From: Tanu Sinha
To: Marty Weintraub
Subject: Hi Marty
Sent:  May 22, 2010

Hi Marty,
This is a one of a kind opportunity to instantly corner a big piece of the  SEO traffic online.

As you may already know SEO Agency is one of the key words that searchers  use when they want to spend more on Seo than someone searching for a Seo  consultant for example. SEO company and SEO agency are two of the three best converting keywords for the SEO industry.

www. Search Engine Optimization. net was recently sold for a reported $60,000 to  Patrick Gavin the founder of Text Link Ads.

I am offering you the opportunity to own:

www. SeoAgency. net and www .SeoCompany. net

Both equally valuable domains.

According to the Google keyword tool; set to exact match:

SEO agency  gets 4400 US searches per month and 12,100 searches per month  globally. The average cost per click on Google is $4.39 if you were to buy  Google AdWords.

SEO company gets 27,100 US searches per month and 60,500 global searches per  month. The average cost per click on Google is $6.55 if you were to buy  Google AdWords.

As you know the first step for someone that needs SEO is for them to make a  website so why not own one of the top three best domains for web design  www.WebDesignCompany.com

The keyword web design company gets 18,100 US searches per month and 49,500  global searches per month.  The average cost per click on Google is $4.61 if  you were to buy Google AdWords.

We are considering offers.

Financing Available!

Price:

w w w SEO agency. net $30,000
w w w.SEO company. net $35,000
www Web Design Company. com $45,000

Our other SEO company may also be for sale at the right price:

In business for over 5 years with an A rating from the BBB and zero negative  remarks anywhere on the web.

Here is the current revenue:

14 Clients:

$1500/mth
$500/mth
$5500/mth
$1600/mth
$350/mth
$1000/mth
$1000/mth
$1000/mth
$800/mth
$500/mth
$500/mth
$449/mth
$449/mth
$2000/mth

Total Monthly Revenue: $17,148
Please email JP to jeanpierrek@mac.com

Best Regards,
Tanu Sinha
Constant Click // An SEO Agency
{email} tanu@constantclick.com
{dir}   305.663.7305
{fax}  800.683.7341

View our BBB rating here http:/ /www . seflorida . bbb. org /Business-Report/Constant-Click-LLC-92015936

Constant Click only uses ethical Search engine positioning and Internet marketing services to increase your website visibility and improve your conversion rate. We do not perform any activities that will get your site blacklisted, banned or penalized on Google or any of the other major search engines. In addition we do not use cloaking, doorway pages, micro sites, keyword stuffing, hidden text, external landing pages, link farms, temporary bought links, or black hat techniques of any kind.

———————

Marty to Jean-Pierre

Do I know you, to receive unsolicited email? Or is it spam?

Sincerely,

Marty Weintraub: President, aimClear
Office: 218-727-4325
Twitter: @aimClear

———————
From: Jean-Pierre Khoueiri
To: Marty Weintraub
Subject: Unsubscribe
Sent: May 23, 2010 1:11 AM

It wasn’t a mass email, it was sent to specific individuals, and since you are not on our list there is nothing to unsubscribe from.

Best,
Jean-Pierre Khoueiri
Constant Click
305.331.4893 cell

———————

Marty to Jean-Pierre

Please remove us from your not-a-list list :).

Sincerely,

Marty Weintraub: President, aimClear
Twitter: @aimClear

———————

Marty to Jean-Pierre

Jean-Pierre,
Just for the record, the reason your email tweaked me was because I found it ironic that a company would brand about being “ethical” marketers in a lightly-customized spam mail to the personal email of someone they don’t know personally.

It’s hilarious to say that the email was sent to “specific individuals” and not to a “list.” That’s a riot, dude. Does that mean that those on a “list” are not “individuals?” I think you meant to say that it is not a mass list. Still, the fact that you’re talking about individuals means that someone, somewhere has a “list.”  WTF?

You did not do your homework about us enough to personalize the spam to the point where I might accept the inquiry. The kind of customer you will reach who DOES accept this type of junk may not be the caliber potential buyer you seek.

This is my pet peeve: email solicitations that don’t have unsubscribe links. Just because it came from your Outlook or Gmail email does not mean that the responsibility for unsubscribes is abrogated.

Regardless of how you paint the non-list list, the email solicitation violates spam rules. Any company that takes that approach must have pretty cheesy clients.  Why would we want to buy THAT? I am on holiday with my family. Why would I want to wake up to your spam?

A better start to the spam might have been:

Dear Marty,

We’ve never met but we are aware of you by way of your SearchEngineLand, SearchEngineWatch and aimClear Blog articles over the years. I saw you speak on agency business models at SMX Advanced last year.

We don’t want to break any spam rules, so if you are not amenable to an approach by an industry peer regarding the sale of our agency and its assets, please type “remove” in the subject of a response email and we won’t contact you again. Just so you know, this email is not to a list, per say, rather personal to 5-6 agency owners. Thanks in advance if you continue reading… Thank you for your time, sir.

I think I need to blog about this. I may reproduce the entire thread for the benefit of readers and let them decide :).

Sincerely,

Marty Weintraub: President, aimClear
Twitter: @aimClear

———————

From: Jean-Pierre Khoueiri
To: Marty Weintraub
Subject: Unsubscribe

Marty,

Didn’t mean to disturb your holiday mate. Surely, mine wasn’t the only one you didn’t ask for. And as opposed to an offer for cheap seo services or viagra like most spam you might get, this email actually had something that might be interesting for an seo/internet advertising agency.

I wasn’t under the impression you had to know someone personally to send them a message. It would be the equivalent of never saying hi or making an offer to someone if you don’t already know them.

What I meant by individuals and not a list, was that these where sent one a time and not a list. No there is not a list. Sites where targeted for their vertical, and sent an email, there was no record kept of who was emailed.

Didn’t want to do homework on dozens of companies/  We have 3 interested parties all in our price range.

Let me know how the blog goes.

Also, I own Internet Advertising Agency. com if you’re interested.

Best Regards,
Jean-Pierre Khoueiri, Dir
Constant Click // An SEO Agency
{email} Jp@constantclick.com
{dir}   305.663.7305
{cell}  305.331.4893
{fax}  800.683.7341

———————

3 Weeks Later…

———————

From: Jean-Pierre Khoueiri
To: Marty Weintraub
Subject: Unsubscribe

Marty, I was just reading something that reminded me of you http://www.spamhaus.org/definition.html

A message is Spam only if it is both Unsolicited and Bulk.

Your was not part of a bulk send :) hence not spam.

Best Regards,
Jean-Pierre Khoueiri, Dir
Constant Click // An SEO Agency

———————

Marty to Jean-Pierre

Spam is as spam does :).

Sincerely,

Marty Weintraub: President, aimClear
Twitter: @aimClear

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  • Spam Is as Spam Does: A Vomit Email Rant

Topics: Business Bullshit | 23 Comments »

Posted on 16 June 2010 by Marty Weintraub

has written 1 articles for SEO Bullshit

  • http://seoaware.com Melissa – SEO Aware

    WOW! Three weeks later? What a jerk! Thanks for writing what we all feel.

  • http://twitter.com/Matt_Siltala Matt Siltala

    We got this the other day and about vomited too: “Caller is with Google and would like to feature the website on Google. Please call if interested.”

  • duane forrester

    Freacking' hilarious Marty! Next up, you NEED to takle those guys in Nigeria! :)

  • http://www.huomah.com theGypsy

    HA!… I posted a pretty damned funny one here a few weeks back, gotta love the dumbasses. Just the other day a fella popped up on my Skype and started trying to pitch me, in horribly broken english, his SEO services. I replied, “Be careful” which was ignored and he kept on pitching. I then said, “Are you sure you want to do this?” and linked him up with my SEOBS blog post on the last spammer I was pissed at. He then hummd… and hawd… and changed the angle to trying to get work from me as an outsourcing partner. Fuck it I said, and turned the tables and started pitching him the SEO Dojo… Right spam atcha my boyo!

    Loved the 3 weeks later part… guy just wasn't getting it… Now you can drop this link to the next jackass that approaches you.

  • http://twitter.com/Aengleson Alyssa Engleson

    The part that irks me the most is that she writes “Seo” like its a name/title instead of an acronym….

  • http://seobullshit.com King Douche

    All the SEO service here for the assing!

  • http://twitter.com/aimclear Marty Weintraub

    Thanks for inviting me to write here. We'll be back with more SEO bullshit in the future :).

  • http://twitter.com/aimclear Marty Weintraub

    Glad to hear there are international opportunities there Dauane :).

  • http://twitter.com/aimclear Marty Weintraub

    There is no shortage of morons, that's for sure.

  • http://twitter.com/aimclear Marty Weintraub

    You're oh so very welcome friend :).

  • jimrudnick

    spot-on, Marty…there's a ton of these 'doofusses' out there, eh!

    :-)

    Jim

  • http://www.awebguy.com Mark Aaron Murnahan

    I just love the SEO who seeks no other revenue outside of the SEO industry.

    They claimed to not have any negatives out there. Well, they do now. o_O

  • Rvll

    Spam is as spam does. Great line.

    :-)

  • Oshitpro

    i think marty, either u have too much time at your hand or your wife is not giving you too many dishes to do.
    either way… i simply cannot cannot cannot image a businessman or a busy man taking the time out to indulge in so much communication over nothing.

    i think you are a moron if no one else. and the people who have liked this post, are bigger ones. what lame failness.

    so marty, please make your life useful, and i am thinking that the only reason you are pissed, is because you did not have the money in ur puny little pocket to buy anything in the email so you got damn pissed. ah i can understand the agony.

    one you loose hair and go bald and two you dont have money to buy shit.

    anyways, please get a life and tell the noobards who are following this crappy little thing called your blog, should get a life too.

    with warm regards,
    the guy who just kicked your ass.! RJ!

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  • allenkristina

    This is fantastic! Brilliant! Best thing I've read all day = )

  • http://www.redheadwriting.com The Redhead

    I can't begin to make a list of the things that Jean-Pierre needs to commence sucking.

  • http://www.shopping-cart-reviews.com Mark

    PLEASE tell me you posted his email address on a bunch of Russian porn sites?

  • Anonymous

    stupid thing, i never consider.

    http://www.web-designs-company.com

  • http://www.diolt.com Diolt

    I also receive such spams emails like specially from india they’r big spammers

  • james howells
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    I want to check my new spam blocker.. please feel free to spam me @ jayray365@live.co.uk

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    I hate email spam…but I can live with it