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Googles New Search Engine – WTF?
By Alan Bleiweiss | July 12, 2010
Okay so I’ve been in this game quite a few 24×7′s. And I’ve seen a lot of craptastic nonsense over the years. Anyone who’s in this business has seen it all. Or at least we all THINK we have. Until the next over the top bullshit comes along. And we’re so stunned by the shear stupidity of it that we’re momentarily dazed.
Until we break out laughing. Which is what happened last night when I found out that Google has a new search engine. And while some Internet Marketers are in an uproar, apparently others are making millions! Or at least that’s the opening salvo at one asshat site, GoogleCaffeine.com. So I had to speak up. Because this one is just so over the top that I nearly puked my breakfast out all over my desk…
No Link Juice For Dino
I’m not going to give a link to Dino Vedo, the mastermind behind that crap. Just mentioning it was more than I’d normally prefer to do. But Jesus Horatio Christ, you’ve got to see this bullshit for yourselves. But before you go – be sure to put on your grease-monkey overalls. That way, when you puke your guts out all over the place, at least your clothes will be protected…
Anyhow, for those of you too afraid that actually seeing the site will cause you to laugh so hard you’d rupture your spleen, just envision the typical endlessly scrolling one pager douchebag marketing pitch that offers naive, dumb, or otherwise mentally deficient people the opportunity to find fame, fortune, and, once they realized they’ve been sucker-punched into a load of craptastic bullshit, endless fits of frustration…
Except Dino boy takes it to a whole new level.
Taking It To A Whole New Level
Dino’s really gotten creative – where he takes real-world terminology and concepts, then twists them into a panty-knot of unreality that still “sounds” right. At least to the hordes of Shoemoney-esque wanna-be’s in the world… :-) And he does a stellar job of spinning the daisy-chained panty-knots, to the point where, I suppose, if you really do come from the Brad Fallon fanboy fold, you’ll just be dazzled by the level of bullshit…
Exhibit #1 – The Opening Shocker
Yeah- isn’t that frakkin special? Ole Dino touts his offering by associating himself with CNN, Twitter, bing and Google. Like he’s been featured in some bullshit frakkin television show or somethin… Although I’m sure he’s not lying TOO MUCH given that he’s using Google’s brand in his frakkin domain name – and so far Google hasn’t slapped him for it. Just do a search for Google Caffeine and sure enough, he’s there in the SERPs.
(Hey Matt – ya may wanna slap this boy Dino at some point, ya know? Because if you don’t, I will – and if I slap him, it’ll be so hard he won’t see stars, he’ll see frakkin water-buffalo’s that look like dancing girls in brown mud-soaked bikinis…)
Google’s New Search Engine?
So I guess the rest of us shlubs in the SEO business didn’t get the frakkin memo from Matt. But apparently Caffeine wasn’t the change to the process of indexing we’d been led to believe (thus called their new search index), but they went and threw out the entire existing algorithm! OMG no wonder every one of my client’s sites plummeted into the basement!
Oh. Wait. That didn’t happen.
No, not one single site saw a drop of any significance with Caffeine’s rollout. I must be one of the lucky few, I guess…
Anyhow – I love how he uses the George W. Bush “you’re with us or against us” tactic there highlighted in yellow – don’t you? Except instead of cowing people into thinking their either patriots or terrorists, he’s going for those half-a-brain hopefuls that he lures to the site to think – Hell – I’m either gonna be on the side of the whiners, or I’m gonna finally get my chance at makin millions! Yeehaw!
Exhibit #2 – The Classic Tangible Asset
And lookie here – Dino then shows his “mind-of-a-3rd-grader” readers the awesome book they’re gonna be offered later on down below the fold… though it’s just an e-book and it’s not so unheard of for e-book writers to make such a representation.
But just look at this sucker – “Master Google’s New Search Engine…”
“Rank Higher in Caffeine” – don’t you just love how these jackass marketers take real-world terms and play off them? (Except Caffeine is the name given to a change that was made to the index, it’s not the frakkin name of the Google database…)
Of course, if you want to rank higher in Caffeine, it’s helpful to learn how to optimize your site for it, which will help to ensure that you don’t end up doing the Google Dance!
Okay, I apologize – after that last sentence, I had to go over into the corner of my office and sit on the floor so I wouldn’t go into an asthma-induced coma from laughing so hard! Fortunately I’m back to my senses now…
Of course, such a stellar pillar of the Internet Asshat Offering world, Dino Vedo himself, shows his face. It’s nice to see he’s willing to let the world know who he is and what his before-I-am-Arrested-For-Internet-Marketing-Fraud mug shot looks like. :-)
Exhibit #3 – Chock Full Of Typical Bullshit
The rest of this too-good-to-be-true “sell ice to Eskimo” pitch is just chock full of motivators.
Don’t Waste Another Minute!
Warning! Results May Shock You!
Get a FREE Tip To Improve Your Ranking In Caffeine Right Now!
See What Our Customers are Saying…
Quality Over Content Is Key!
My guide purchase is entirely Risk-Free and is backed by 100% Satisfaction Guaranteed!
$49.99 – “Launch Exclusive Offer
Everything you need to arm yourself to fight the Caffeine update is here, now it’s your turn. Get started today!
———————————————————————————————————–
Exhibit #4 – The Testimonials Circle Jerk
One of the more typical bullshit hype games Vedo plays is the crappy Testimonials circle jerk. This is where Vedo solicits customer testimonials from his circle of jack-off buddies in the internet marketing scam business. In this case, for example, we’ve got a testimonial from none other than the very Don Leadman himself.
Just do a Google search on Donny boy, and you’ll see where this is going. The first result in the SERP for Donny comes from MoneyFanClub – “For the Online Money Makers” :-) In this entry, Donny posts a forum entry that has the subject line of:
$7,500 in 30 Days with $47 investment. Real Business! Money Back Guarantee!
Of course, since Donny is just a n00b to the whole ripoff-your-high-school-jock-followers-who-are-dumber-than-a-bag-of-rocks crowd, he’s only got a “Junior Member” status on this site.
But let’s not go crying for Don Leadman just yet.
It turns out that Dino’s wanking partner Donny likes to call himself a “Lead Offline Marketeer”. Whatever the frak that means… He’s got a site called OfflineMarketingPro.com – where he opens with:
“Near-Bankrupt Father-To-Be Discovers Untapped ’Real World’ Goldmine Of Easy Money With Nothing But A Laptop And A Hunch…”
And that site’s – ya, you guessed it – another scrolling land of fantasy opportunities…
Exhibit #5 – But Wait! There’s More!
Donny doesn’t rest on his laurels. Nope. See, back over here on Dino’s site, Donny’s testimonial shows that Donny has another site – YoungAffiliate.com :-) and let’s not forget or ignore his other domain BigBackLinkBomb.com!
Exhibit #6 Bringing The Jerk Full Circle
Just do a search for Dino Vedo and you’ll be SHOCKED to learn he, too has other fish frying…
DinoVedo.com for example. Where he bills himself as
“A young entrepreneur turned millionaire”
And VedoMedia.com Where his tagline reads “Seo Experts, Marketing Gurus, and Super Affiliates…
Yeah, Seo, not SEO.
In Conclusion
So let’s just skip right past the asshat “before you go are you sure you want to throw away your life” pop-up that opens when you leave the site. Or the fact that even though Dino displays an Authorize.net secure checkout button, a BBB Online Reliability program button, an Authorize.net Verified Merchant button, and a “100% Secure Purchasing” button, none of these is clickable. Because when you click on Dino’s “Order Now” button, you actually go to “TrialPay.com”, which is secured using Verisign, and has a McAfee Secure icon…
And that’s kinda like the Internet Porn payment system of douchebag Internet marketing…
Which means that if you’re one of the dumbest jackasses on earth, none of that matters. Even though it’s Bullshit.
And The Feather In This cap
The icing on this particular bullshit cake? When I came upon this particular dung-heap, I tweeted about it.
And to that, Dino Vedo himself responded
:-)
Topics: Business Bullshit, Myths and Crap, Reality Check | 61 Comments »
Posted on 12 July 2010 by Alan Bleiweiss
Decades of experience seeking out and destroying mythical beasts that wish to do harm to others. I'm not perfect. But then again, I don't pretend to be, unlike mythical beasts who build themselves up to biblical proportions, only to prey on unsuspecting people. So as far as I'm concerned, they've got to be brought down. Hard.
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